feathers in our cap

In Catch-22 there is a character who is obsessed with appearances/reputation. He obsesses over small details and decides which ones are "feathers in my cap" and which ones are "black eyes."

This is what immediately popped into mind when I read the "City Receives Two Awards from GFOA" article in the December issue of Richardson Today.

Now, before we go any further: if you have not read about the Wine Spectator fake award scandal please do so now. I promise it's relevant (and funny).

Certificate of Achievement for Excellence in Financial Reporting
How to get certificate:

1. join GFOA ($840)
2. send in at least another $290 with your application (pdf) for the certificate
3. do your job reasonably well.*

*Note: even if you fail to meet the standards (but your check is still good at the bank) we might still give you the award and not tell anyone but you (pdf) that you really didn't deserve it. [Not making this stuff up, folks. Read it yourself.]

At most places I worked, doing one's job as expected resulted in a type of certificate called a paycheck, which could be used to buy food and such. Apparently city governments (like peewee football?) are teams where everyone who plays gets a trophy. Ok, maybe not everyone. Only 7,132 entities got the award in 2008.

Note to self -- membership fee + app fee times 7,132 = $8,059,160. Quite a going concern. Here's a an offer: for $1130 a year I will issue anyone, anywhere a certificate that says you are KING OF THE WORLD or any other wording you prefer. (certificate issued when your check clears)

BN: if you are excellent but just can't get your application (and check) in on time, the deadline has been extended.

Distinguished Budget Presentation Award

More good stuff, and this one at the low price of $185, assuming you've already ante'd up for membership. Richardson has already won this one for 12 yrs (12 x $185 = $2,220).

This award puts us in an elite group of Texas municipalities like Abilene, Addison, Allen, Alvin, Amarillo, Arlington, Austin, Azle,

Baytown, Bedford, Belton, Benbrook, Brenham, Bryan, Burleson, Cedar Hill,

Cedar Park, Cleburne, College Station, Colleyville, Conroe, Coppell,

Copperas Cove, Corinth, Corpus Christi, Dallas, Denton, Edinburg, El Paso,

Euless, Farmers Branch, Flower Mound, Forney, Fort Worth, Friendswood,

Frisco, Gainesville, Garland , Georgetown, Glenn Heights, Granbury ,

Getting the idea?

Grapevine , Greenville, Haltom City, Harker Heights, Harlingen, Heath,

Hewitt, Highland Park, Highland Village, Houston, Huntsville, Hurst,

Hutto, Irving, Jacksboro, Kaufman, Keller, Kerrville, Kilgore, Killeen, La

Porte, Lake Jackson, Laredo, League City, Leander, Lewisville, Longview,

Lubbock, Lufkin, Mansfield, Marble Falls, McAllen, McKinney, Melissa,

Mesquite, Midlothian, Missouri City, Nacogdoches, New Braunfels, Odessa,

Ok, I have to admit at this point I almost stopped. But so close...

Pearland, Pflugerville, Pharr, Plano, Portland, [Richardson], Richland

Hills, Richmond, Rockport, Rosenberg, Round Rock, Rowlett, Saginaw,

San Angelo, San Antonio, San Marcos, Shavano Park, Southlake TX, Sugar

Land, Sweetwater, Taylor, Temple, The Colony, Tomball, Trophy Club,

Tyler, Uvalde, Victoria, Waco, Watauga, Webster, Weslaco, Westlake,

White Settlement, Woodway

Those were in 2009. 116 x $185 = $21,460, and that's just for Texas. A few states like that and you've got yourselves a real income. Get cities to do it year after year and it starts to look like an annuity.

I'm not saying GFOA awards are a strict quid pro quo. I am saying two things:

1. If you want to impress the populace, publish the stats on what percentage of applicants were rejected (including the "tell no one" exception above)
2. We, the taxpayers, are paying for memberships and app fees for some third party to give the city awards. Is this a wise use of your money? Who really benefits?